But Our Sheriff Wears Boxers!
I don’t know if anyone else descends to the same level of egotism that I do or not, but one of my guilty pleasures is a Google Blog Search feed for “Justin Ryan” — if people are talking about me, I want to know about it! (And be able to print it out and put it on my refrigerator.)
Of course, Google is only so clever, and they don’t seem to have figured out how to filter out all the stuff that isn’t actually about me, meaning that about 85% of what comes down the pipe is just fluff. I’ve learned some things from this fluff, however; one is that Justin Ryan is a very common first & middle name combo. Another is that there are an amazing amount of Justin’s under 15 out there who have best friends or brothers named Ryan; I know this because Google can’t tell the difference between Justin Ryan and Justin, Ryan.
I learn other things as well. I know, for example, Justin Ryan Spears, a 19-year old from Purlear, North Carolina, shares a behavioral profile as well as an IQ with a certain other, better-known Spears. I learned this after he was arrested at a police checkpoint for drunk driving and drug possession; apparently, the cops were tipped off by the massive cloud of perfume that escaped from the car when they rolled down the windows. Smooth move, Ex·lax — the cops are obviously going to think you just wanted to pretty yourself up for them, and the German Shepard waiting to rip your arm off is going to be flummoxed by Paco Rabanne. I suppose at the least he smelled good when they locked him in with Bubba…
While I was learning about Mr. Spears and his grooming habits, I also discovered that there must be something in the water in Wilkes County, because the criminal element is alive and — well — in need of psychiatric evaluation. Take, for example, the two young ladies who robbed the Dollar General. They made out with a spectacular list of loot: a box of SOS pads, a Lysol air freshener, a bottle of Febreze, two other air fresheners, a Stain Be Gone stick, and a bottle of Mr. Clean.
What the hell? How freaking whacked out do you have to be to rob the Dollar General in the first place, instead of, I don’t know, the First National Bank — or at least someplace respectable like WalMart — and then, having decided to knock over the 5 & Dime, to make out with freaking cleaning supplies? For the sake of their self-respect, I hope it was some kind of bizarre cross between kleptomania and OCD — who wants to be the one who has to say “No, I can’t go to the dollar store with you, I got banned after I plundered the place to feed my toilet scrubbing habit.”
They’re not the only oddballs, though — quite literally. Somebody — and the cops don’t know who — stole 11,000 golf balls from the country club. 11,000 golf balls? I don’t know which worries me more, that there is someone loose on the streets that was nuts enough to steal 11,000 golf balls, or that the cops can’t find the guy running around with enough sporting goods to fill a swimming pool. Jeez frickin’ Louise!
On the less larcenous side of things, I’ve learned that Justin, Ryan, & Dylan Bonilla have a future as abstract artists; I think the choice of bodypainting as a medium was a bold one, but there might be trouble with the authorities if they try to sell their work. In other news, Sue’s friends Justin & Ryan, along with a number of others, went on a rafting trip, but Ryan had to switch places halfway down the river because he had surgery on his arm and couldn’t get it wet. I was glad to hear that everyone had a good time, even though the water was cold and the old folks sprayed them with Super Soakers.
The source of this rant, though, was the entry I found sitting on the top of my feed today, which said simply “Sheriff’s briefs.” I was aghast to find this — outraged, shocked, scandalized — because our Sheriff wears boxers, not briefs.¹ I was just about to fire off an angry letter about irresponsible journalism and shoddy reporting when I discovered that, once again, it had nothing to do with me — or the Sheriff’s briefs, for that matter — but rather another felonious featherbrain from North Carolina. (Someone remind me to stay away from North Carolina, by the way.) This one was arrested for obtaining property by false pretense and financial identity fraud — I wonder if he swindled the Dollar General girls out of their SOS pads…
There’s plenty of others I could share, but honestly, I’m not sure the six people who frequent here (and John Zakour) could take much more.
¹ I have absolutely no idea what kind of underwear the Sheriff wears, and really, have no desire to find out. However, I wasn’t about to let such details derail a good rant.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:27 am
When we first started working with you, a friend of mine said “oh no, not Justin Ryan!” and for about a week we thought you may be THAT Justin Ryan. It turns out you weren’t, but long story short we were all convinced you may be the ass Justin Ryan out there on the Internet. Yes, there’s an ass Justin Ryan one out there. It’s definitely not you, though. Just in case you were wondering.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Well, I’m glad to learn I’m not an ass, though with all this ranting, a guy could get a reputation! I’ll keep an eye out for him in my feed; I’m intrigued now.