Anyone who is familiar with quantum mechanics or LOLcats will know of the thought experiment generally called Schrödinger’s Cat. Most will also be familiar with the singular they, even if it isn’t recognizable by that name. (If you’re not familiar, skip to the bottom for a quick explanation.)

So, it occurred to me, the other night, in one of those moments where something bizarre just flops out of some dark, uncharted recess of my mind, that Schrödinger’s thought experiment is an excellent proof that the singular they is entirely correct.

How so?

The singular they, or more specifically, the epicene they, is used when the writer is unsure of the gender of a subject. Following Schrödinger, it is only when the reader reads the text and applies it to a particular person that “he” or “she” definitively emerges. Thus, at the time the writer is writing, the subject is both he and she.

As we all know:

He + She = They

Or, in grammatical terms:

Singular + Singular = Plural

Therefore, the singular they must be correct, and really isn’t even singular.

And yes, for those keeping score, I did just use quantum mechanics to create a mathematical equation as a proof of a linguistic construction. Sometimes my mind just works that way.

A quick rundown of Schrödinger’s Cat for those who don’t know: There is an incredibly complex theory in quantum mechanics concerned with the position of subatomic particles. The theory sets out a method for predicting the positions of these particles, and like anything in science, it’s been interpreted sixteen ways from Sunday. One such explanation, the Copenhagen interpretation, suggests that until the precise moment the particle’s position is measured, it is in every possible position.

Erwin Schrödinger, an eminent physicist, thought this was very strange, and after extensive discussion with a friend — Albert Einstein — he proposed the now-famous cat-in-the-box conjecture, which goes like this:

Suppose you have a cat. You put the cat in a box with a bottle of poison and a Geiger counter and seal it up. If the Geiger counter detects radiation, it shatters the bottle. According to Schrödinger, if you hold to the Copenhagen interpretation, then the cat must be both alive and dead, because it’s only when you open the box to see if the cat is alive or dead (i.e., measure its state) that it settles into one or another.

Schrödinger didn’t really believe this; it was just a thought experiment to point out how strange he thought the Copenhagen interpretation was.

The singular they, for those who don’t know: The singular they is the use of “they” instead of “he or she” when speaking of a single person of indeterminate gender. Some grammarians believe the singular they is incorrect, and should not be used. Others, like myself, think that sprinkling “he or she” every few lines breaks the flow of the prose, not to mention being quite unaesthetic, and thus should be dispensed with inasmuch as possible. Such is the stuff that grammar wars are made of.

1. Justin Brooks Says:
   June 10th, 2008 at 10:59 am

   Such is the stuff of which grammar wars are made?

   On the other hand http://www.steveschroeder.info/2006/08/13-grammar-rules-up-with-which-i-will.html

2. Justin Says:
   June 11th, 2008 at 8:47 pm

   In the words of the LOLcats: Ur pain, I feelz it.

   Nothing torques me more than having someone turn up on a post (particularly on LJ) only to say “You misused that apostrophe! I’m telling!” My immediate thought: “Go code yourself a life.”