I love Wired; it’s quite possibly my favorite magazine, after Linux Journal, of course. I run a lot of their stories on LJ, and I usually find something interesting when I wander by. What I didn’t expect to find, though, was that nipples are a threat to national security.

Right now, you’re probably wondering if I’ve taken my medication today, and let me assure you I have. According to Wired, the Transportation Security Administration — the airport thugs — forced a woman to take out her nipple rings with pliers because they set off a metal detector. Apparently, it’s usually acceptable just to show your nipple rings to TSA staff — what 14-year-old boy came up with that one? — but in this particular case, the “security” staff felt it was essential that she remove them entirely, I’m guessing with about half a dozen “officers” standing guard.

At first, it sounded like one of those incidents where a TSA spokesman would quickly be on CNN assuring the country that the government is not infested with perverts — right — and that the individuals involved would be reprimanded, fired, or put on parade duty. But no, the TSA spokespeople actually had the audacity to praise the oversexed thugs drunk on their own power:

It appears that the Transportation Security Officers involved properly followed procedures in that incident. They rightly insisted that the alarm that was raised be resolved. TSA supports the thoroughness of the Officers involved as they were acting to protect the passengers and crews of the flights departing Lubbock that day.

Right. Because she was definitely going to charge the cockpit — see, more perverts — and hijack the plane with her hooters. “Alright, stick ‘em up, I’ve got nipple rings and I know how to use them!”

I may just be less skittish than the rest of the country, but I’ve never felt particularly threatened by jewelery. Nobody’s ever tried to murder me with an ankle bracelet or torture me with a wristwatch. Then again, these are the brainiacs who were flummoxed by a Macbook Air.

It’s a sad day for America that things have gotten so bad that even nipples are a threat.